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Is it normal to feel guilt for not being injured?


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Last night we were on our way to a restaurant for a special meal, we rarely go out for such a thing. My wife was driving and I was in the passenger seat. We saw a long line of traffic ahead of us, all braking to a very slow speed and we slowed down and joined on the end of the line. The road behind us was empty of traffic. A few minutes later as we crept along in low gear, a BMW sports car came speeding up behind us and slammed into the back of our car and shunted us into the car ahead of us. The driver of the BMW was totally unhurt even though his car was a writeoff. The car in front of us had moderate damage to their rear end and was able to drive away safely after the police and given them clearance to go, both passenger and driver were unhurt. Our car was a total rightoff with moderate damage to the front, severe damage to the rear and the frame twisted out of true so badly that the doors had to be forced open to get us out of the car and couldn't be shut again. I walked away without a mark or any aches and pains. My wife however badly injured her back and is now laid up bedridden and screaming in pain every time her back spasms which seems to be everytime she tries to move or even reach for her cup of tea. I am waiting on her hand and foot, ready to do whatever she wants. Although I am glad that I am unhurt and happy that I am able to do everything for her, I feel so damned guilty that she is in such a state and I am completely unhurt.

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Wow Sid, that’s just horrible! For the both of you actually. I can fully understand your feelings right now. It’s always a terrible feeling when your SO is in pain and there’s only so much you can do. 

Were your affairs in order before leaving the scene of the accident? Did you guys exchange contact info etc? 

Did your wife get checked at the hospital, will she be okay?

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We exchanged insurance details etc and our insurers are being very helpful. The hospital couldn't have been more apathetic though. The National Health Service is not what it once was. Once upon a time my wife would have been examined thoroughly, x-rayed and scanned before being released. Now they gave her 2 paracetamol and told her to rest with heat packs on her back, because they don't have a doctor on duty after 8pm, just a nurse. They suggested that she might want to get a taxi to the the only hospital with an emergency department covering the county (about 30 miles away) if she thought she might need treatment. Otherwise she could contact her local surgery in the morning.

Edited by podgie_bear
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21 hours ago, podgie_bear said:

Last night we were on our way to a restaurant for a special meal, we rarely go out for such a thing. My wife was driving and I was in the passenger seat. We saw a long line of traffic ahead of us, all braking to a very slow speed and we slowed down and joined on the end of the line. The road behind us was empty of traffic. A few minutes later as we crept along in low gear, a BMW sports car came speeding up behind us and slammed into the back of our car and shunted us into the car ahead of us. The driver of the BMW was totally unhurt even though his car was a writeoff. The car in front of us had moderate damage to their rear end and was able to drive away safely after the police and given them clearance to go, both passenger and driver were unhurt. Our car was a total rightoff with moderate damage to the front, severe damage to the rear and the frame twisted out of true so badly that the doors had to be forced open to get us out of the car and couldn't be shut again. I walked away without a mark or any aches and pains. My wife however badly injured her back and is now laid up bedridden and screaming in pain every time her back spasms which seems to be everytime she tries to move or even reach for her cup of tea. I am waiting on her hand and foot, ready to do whatever she wants. Although I am glad that I am unhurt and happy that I am able to do everything for her, I feel so damned guilty that she is in such a state and I am completely unhurt.

 

17 hours ago, podgie_bear said:

We exchanged insurance details etc and our insurers are being very helpful. The hospital couldn't have been more apathetic though. The National Health Service is not what it once was. Once upon a time my wife would have been examined thoroughly, x-rayed and scanned before being released. Now they gave her 2 paracetamol and told her to rest with heat packs on her back, because they don't have a doctor on duty after 8pm, just a nurse. They suggested that she might want to get a taxi to the the only hospital with an emergency department covering the county (about 30 miles away) if she thought she might need treatment. Otherwise she could contact her local surgery in the morning.

A terrifying situation, Podgie, you must have both been scared out of your wits when the car hit and will probably on later be feeling the psyche impact of something like that.  I hope your wife is treated , and you're able to find best care for her.  More than anything be best supportive and do not feel guilty... you're there now to take care of her, and since you're a both a team, one of you being in good health makes you both stronger.  I was in a very bad car accident when I was 13 in Sri Lanka with my family, most of my family in the car was badly hurt but I had only some damage to teeth, lip and scraped knee... I can relate to the feeling that we all should have "shared" in all the pain, but thats now how things work, and because I missed more of the accidents damage, I was able to help others out of the car.

You're healthy and strong, share that with your wife and your self, please tell us how this goes, will they completely replace your car now?

:)

 

gogo

 

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Feeling guilty is natural, Podgie, but is neither necessary nor productive. It's best to focus your energy toward helping and comforting your wife. I hope that she gets the medical care that she needs in order to mend properly and we hope that may be accomplished with a minimum amount of pain and discomfort. Perhaps the greatest medicine right now is her knowledge that you are there for her and are close by, providing the emotional support that she truly needs. Hopefully, there are family and friends that will also be available to offer their support. I hope that it helps you, even just a bit, knowing that you have the community here behind you, hoping for the best, and awaiting better news soon.

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5 hours ago, gogoblender said:

 

A terrifying situation, Podgie, you must have both been scared out of your wits when the car hit and will probably on later be feeling the psyche impact of something like that.  I hope your wife is treated , and you're able to find best care for her.  More than anything be best supportive and do not feel guilty... you're there now to take care of her, and since you're a both a team, one of you being in good health makes you both stronger.  I was in a very bad car accident when I was 13 in Sri Lanka with my family, most of my family in the car was badly hurt but I had only some damage to teeth, lip and scraped knee... I can relate to the feeling that we all should have "shared" in all the pain, but thats now how things work, and because I missed more of the accidents damage, I was able to help others out of the car.

You're healthy and strong, share that with your wife and your self, please tell us how this goes, will they completely replace your car now?

:)

 

gogo

 

We don't know what is happening, this is a totally new experience for us.

His insurance says that they are willing to sort it all out.

Our dealer says that we should get our insurance to do the assessment so that his insurance don't try to repair a write off to save money.

Our insurance says we have already claimed by having our car recovered by them (which recovery was a part of our insurance policy).

We have something called GAP insurance to cover the difference in value when we would have traded in our car on a new model and now we have to tell everyone else about that and notify the GAP people of all the other "players in the game".

We are tryin to find where our car is stored awaiting assessment to recover all our possessions from the car, we are told that we have to collect them before it is taken away to the assessment facility or we lose the chance to recover them.

Meanwhile all parties involved are no longer being so helpful as they seemed at first and telling us that it will be a disaster for us if we don't let them be the ones to sort it all out.

We are feeling pretty bloody helpless suddenly. Our poor car was our first ever brand new car and only delivered from the factory 4 months ago!

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Hope all gets good.

If Fire fighters or an ambulance is called and they are unsure of hidden injuries the transport to an emergency room is free of costs at my place.

Years back our second was involved in an accident and the Police asked if she was okay. She said yes and when at home she had a hidden wound and the tissue was already dead, years of transplantations and scar treatment. Our insurance paid all but claimed third of costs from state (because Police didn't consider that she was a child in shock) and two third from the car owner.  

 

If your car is a total write off the involved forces must have been high enough for a free check at an hospital. At least at my place and all insurance companies I know. Calculations show that it is cheaper for them to check and treat right away than having hidden injuries doing greater and more expansive damage.

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2 hours ago, podgie_bear said:

Meanwhile all parties involved are no longer being so helpful as they seemed at first and telling us that it will be a disaster for us if we don't let them be the ones to sort it all out.

We are feeling pretty bloody helpless suddenly. Our poor car was our first ever brand new car and only delivered from the factory 4 months ago!

Podgie, I strongly you retain a counselor of law who has extensive and successful experience in this area of specialization and do so with haste. You will likely find many who will perform their services at no direct cost to you and receive their compensation as a percentage of the recompense for damages that you receive.

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On 2/6/2019 at 11:35 AM, podgie_bear said:

We don't know what is happening, this is a totally new experience for us.

His insurance says that they are willing to sort it all out.

Our dealer says that we should get our insurance to do the assessment so that his insurance don't try to repair a write off to save money.

Our insurance says we have already claimed by having our car recovered by them (which recovery was a part of our insurance policy).

We have something called GAP insurance to cover the difference in value when we would have traded in our car on a new model and now we have to tell everyone else about that and notify the GAP people of all the other "players in the game".

We are tryin to find where our car is stored awaiting assessment to recover all our possessions from the car, we are told that we have to collect them before it is taken away to the assessment facility or we lose the chance to recover them.

Meanwhile all parties involved are no longer being so helpful as they seemed at first and telling us that it will be a disaster for us if we don't let them be the ones to sort it all out.

We are feeling pretty bloody helpless suddenly. Our poor car was our first ever brand new car and only delivered from the factory 4 months ago!

Stay strong Podgie, as Posted here by members, there's some good info out there.  You may not feel so strong now, but reaching out for pro help can have marvelous effects on our heart and courage...staying strong on the resolve is difficult when something like this happens but keep in mind what your needs are and try hard to keep them in sight.

Thinking of you this day, and hoping that you feel like you're making some progress

 

:)

 

gogo

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 2/22/2019 at 11:51 PM, Timotheus said:

@podgie_bear any news on the situation? How’s your wife doing? How are you?

She is still having twinges in her back especially when she first gets out of bed and starts moving in the mornings, but overall she is so much better. She is off the painkillers and doesn't need the heatpacks anymore. The insurance seems to be finally sorted out and the other driver's insurance has admitted full liability. Our car was a complete write off due the chassis being distorted and we are waiting for a replacement, which we are told should be due on March 15 which just happens to be my birthday. Hopefully a nice birthday present and I can't wait as the rental car we have been given while we wait is very uncomfortable for me as it has forward leaning headrests that makes my neck ache and gives me headaches. Unfortunately they are not adjustable enough to make them more comfortable for me.

Sadly, I am now suffering more because of the hire car than my wife did after the crash. Such is life.

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podgie_bear,

I have survivors guilt almost every day. Why have so many of my friends died while I'm still here? Of course, if I had died, neither of my two beautiful daughters would be here either... something they have told me more than once.

Early on, I remember feeling absolutely suicidal, but that has passed with the years. In your case, I'm sure the guilt isn't as strong, but your concern and your care for your wife shows your true feelings. She is first and you wish it had been you. Just continue to care for her and do your best to sort out the mess left by someone who shouldn't be allowed to drive anymore. No matter what happens, as long as you and your wife have each other, nothing else matters.

In a few years, you both will look back on this, hug each other, and remark, "You know, it could have been so much worse." Give yourself time to get to that point.

I'm not religious, so I can't pray for you, but I can hope that everything turns out for the best for both of you. I had a new car for three months when I got rear-ended much like you were. Unfortunately, in my case, they didn't total the car, the 'repaired' it. It never felt the same ever again and I ended up trading it in at a huge loss a few months later on for another car. Now I look back and realize that killing the other driver probably would have been a mistake, no matter how much I wanted to. Now I realize that continuing to live well and being happy that his insurance dropped his policy is the best revenge.

Good luck!

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