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To My Father On My Birthday


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Today is my birthday and I have much to be grateful for.

 

Every year and for some years now I have been maintaining a ritual of sorts. On my birthday I choose one thing to grow on or improve upon. It sort of grew from the idea of new years resolutions and I do this on my birthday instead of new years and take it fairly seriously. Each birthday I quietly think to myself, "In what way do I think I should improve myself?" Things like improving health, understanding my emotions, expanding my knowledge in a particular field of interest, improving multi-tasking abilities or choosing some sort of creative project to complete in the year are the sorts of things I have chosen in past birthdays.

 

This birthday however and as fate would have it I do not have the luxury of choosing.

 

For 9 months now my father has been ill with ALS, more commonly known as Lou Gehrigs disease. It is a neuro-muscular degenerative disease which causes all muscle groups throughout the entire body to completely shut down and then atrophy completely. Full paralasis and terminal.

 

Last night I stayed with my step-mother at her home so that this morning we could go visit my father together. She had been doing these visits for months now each time wondering if he would still be alive when she arrived but he is a trooper and each time he was, though he begged for euthanasia often and often prayed to be taken away. One day he said to my step-mother,"I've been praying everyday now for so long. Why doesn't he take me away?". Truly ALS is a terrible terrible thing and a shock to any who would see it.

 

My family did not have the option of hoping that my father would improve. And so, as the months passed, we began to hope for something else. For his suffering to end as well as our own.

 

We left this morning at about 9am to go for our visit and my step-mother wanted to do something "normal" for once so we decided to go to a clothing store so that she might buy herself something new. She chose something and proceded to the changeroom where she would try on some jeans. After a few minutes she came out from the changeroom replaced the jeans and we were off. Once outside in the parking lot she began to tear and said "They just called". I didn't want to understand what she had said and so I responded with a "What:)" I hadn't realized while in the changeroom she had had a conversation on her cell.

She then said. "Your father just died Brad". We were but a 10 mins drive from the care center. He passed away at 9:55am.

 

We carried on to the center in a daze and arrived in his room. He was a small man of about 5'7" and ALS had deteriorated him to about 50 pounds. My step-mother went to his side, cupped his head in her hands, leaned in to embrace him and spoke many words of sorrow and grief. He was her entire world and it was gone.

She came and went out of the room speaking to staff at the center about various things.

 

I stayed in the room by myself with him for some time and silently I carried out a eulogy of thank yous, sorrys, and will always remember the times when. My father was gone and what lay before me now was no longer my father. Something else took his place however and as fate would have it I would not be choosing for myself the lesson I would learn on this day, my birthday. What lay before me now was a symbol of what we are and that we have both a beginning and an end. It has been a blessing in my life that I have never had to face death and now, suddenly, a burden. There aren't any preparations for this matter unfortunately and the experience to me is nothing short of both saddening and frightful. It was hard to look at my father and I had to force myself to be "in it". It's so easy to take life for granted and simply believe it will always be there, neverchanging. So it is that my fathers last gift to me on my birthday is a fresh perspective on what life is to me and that I might cherish it more than ever be it good times or bad. I have much to learn this year...

 

Then began the tasks that lay ahead which were required to carry out in order to bring him to his final resting place. Much of the funeral arrangements were already in place and we had only to make some small choices in the matter. The staff at the funeral home treated us very well and I am grateful for that. One of my sisters had found out about my fathers passing and so came to the funeral home to be with us and from there we traveled to my other sisters home to give her the news in person. And then we sat together for some time and chatted and absorbed the whole thing that passed behind us and what lay ahead.

 

It would have been nice to be there in those final moments but things like this can't be predicted and I suppose I am happy that he no longer suffers.

 

I'm ok. A bit numb maybe. I'll be preoccupied for this week and probably next week. I just thought I'd let you all know whats happening.

 

I really hope that my posting this does not upset anyone but I felt the need to put it down. Maybe something good can come of sharing this experience.

 

See you all on the other side...

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Schot... Brad... I am so sorry to hear of your loss, and I can assure you (inasmuch as we can be "sure" of these things), that your Dad is in a better place... pain free and at peace *sad, soft smile*

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Brad, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It is the hardest thing to lose someone you love. But the most wonderful gift anyone can give is the gift of perspective, something that we all lose more often than not. I hope your birthday was as positive as possible for you.

 

xx

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Dear Schot,

 

I am writing to let you know that I am deeply sorry for your loss... /hug

 

I am glad that you meditated on this, and decided to share this with us.

 

The use of language is very important in terms of self-healing. You reason rather letting time and sorrow weigh you down.

 

If you need to talk, I am 3 feet away...!

 

 

Hk.

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Guest gogoblender

Brad great letter man

and almost as good as the stuff I can write

heh, k, crummy joke but when I'm really upset I show it by trying to wrangle some levity out of really distreessing situations like this.

You have great courage to write such an honest post like that.

And I just know after reading what you wrote that yer gonna be soon at peace with the strain and suffering that this has put on you as well as your family.

You have family and friends that have become family not far away.

Never hesitate for an ear or hug.

Cheers my friend.

And my very deepest condolences

 

peace

 

Rommel

 

p.s. dont hesitate to even ask me for a beer...but only one okay? :)

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p.s. dont hesitate to even ask me for a beer...but only one okay? :thumpsup:

 

Oh that reminds... You're out of beer. /wink

 

I very much appreciate the warm words and pms from everyone. I will keep them as a comfort during this time.

 

It feels nice to read your support and I am strengthened some by them. Words of support coming from people outside of this family matter like yourselves seem to give me more courage than from those of the people, my family, who are being directly affected. It's hard for the family to give eachother that certain kind of strength when so much of it has been exhausted away.

 

Not sure if that makes sense. This is all new to me. I'll reflect better in time.

None the less, I am again grateful.

 

I leave in the morning and am not sure when I'll return. Probably a week. Take care guys and hold the fort.

 

And remember... As a wise man once said: "If you drink all the booze be sure to replace it!" :Mafia2:

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Your words make complete sense Schot :thumpsup:

 

Please take care and be gentle on yourself....

 

Look forward to your return and we will make sure the bar is fully stocked for when you get back /wink

 

/beers

Aurora

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