The Joke Thread

[Hooyaah 3,107]

No joke, this thread is here to spread some humor, lighten our moods, and cause a few chuckles. So, please post your (clean) humor here!

I'll start with this one which I thought up yesterday:

My chiropractor noticed that my fat wallet was causing
my spine to twist whenever I was seated, so he adjusted my back.
Afterward, he said, "You don't have a girlfriend, do you?"

[podgie_bear 185]

Here's an old one I have always liked;

A man stands at his garden gate staring at the rising flood water that is getting nearer and nearer to his house, when a truck pulls up outside and the driver says "Jump in and I'll drive you to safety". The man says, "No thanks, I trust in God, He will save me!"

Some time later the flood waters have risen and the man is now stood at his bedroom window watching the water swirling just outside the window, while the garden and first floor of his house are under water. A boat floats by and the person rowing it says, "Jump in and I will row you to safety". The man says, "No thanks, I trust in God, He will save me!"

Later still the man is stood on his roof, clinging to the chimney because the entire house is now under water, when a helicopter flies up and hovers just above him. "Climb into the helicopter and I will fly you to safety", shouts the pilot. The man says, "No thanks, I trust in God, He will save me!"

Some time later the man has drowned and is standing before the throne of Heaven and says to God, "I trusted you! I waited for you to save me and you just let me drown!"

God replied, "I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter. What more did you want?"

Edited August 12, 2020 by podgie_bear

[gogoblender 3,419]

how does a squid go into battle

....

well-armed

gogo

[chattius 2,700]

A small village where everyone knows everyone. One day a man can't find his bicycle. He speaks to the local priest, saying: 'Next sunday, could you teach the Ten Commandments at church?' Perhaps the thief will give the bicycle back.'

The priest does as wished and a few days later he asks the man if he has his bicycle back. 'Yes' he said, 'once you came to not doing adultery I suddenly knew where I left my bicycle.'

[chattius 2,700]

Firefighter joke:

'You dialed 112. What is your problem?'

'I bought lot of flowers for my garden!'

'Please tell me your problem. Is there a fire?'

'Some of the flowers were really expensive!'

'Please is there a fire at your place?'

'No, but at he house of my neighbour and I don't want that your people will ruin my flowers with their heavy boots...'

[chattius 2,700]

Firefighter joke II

A volunteer firefighter is called mid in night.

Wife where is my equipment?

On the chair in the living room!

And my helmet?

Under the bed. But be careful when you pick it up. You promised to buy a new pisspot for so many weeks now...

 

[Hooyaah 3,107]

My Girlfriend: "This is my dad, Howard."
Me: "Hey man... *we lock eyes*
Howard you doing?"
Howard: *maintaining eye contact*
"Sarah, this is the one."

 

 

[gogoblender 3,419]

gogo

[Hooyaah 3,107]

6:32
*Googling: How to beat girlfriend in an argument*
6:38
*Googling: How to apologize to girlfriend*

[gogoblender 3,419]

 

gogo

[Delta! 1,020]

Buddha: holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Me taking notes: Buddha says be sure to give the poison to the other guy!

[gogoblender 3,419]

Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."

gogo

[Hooyaah 3,107]

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

[Hooyaah 3,107]

A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time.

All of a sudden, he hears a voice.

“There are no fish under the ice!”

He ignores it and moves to another area,

cuts a hole, and tosses his line in.

Again, he hears the booming voice:

“There are no fish under the ice!”

He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”

Spoiler

“No, this is the rink manager!

 

[gogoblender 3,419]

Q: What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?

A: All that was left was de brie.

 

gogo

[Hooyaah 3,107]

Yesterday my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. Today she's been leaving little messages all over the place.

[gogoblender 3,419]

2 hours ago, Hooyaah said:

Yesterday my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. Today she's been leaving little messages all over the place.

funny...but ewwwwwwwwwwww!

;lol:

gogo

[chattius 2,700]

I hope I will die like my grandpa: peacefully sleeping

And not crying like his 300 passengers all the way down

 

[gogoblender 3,419]

gogo

[Hooyaah 3,107]

“Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”

[Delta! 1,020]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem piffed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh Damn” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[gogoblender 3,419]

;lol;

gogo

[Delta! 1,020]

Why don't you starve in the desert?

 

Because of all the Sand-which-is there...

 

[gogoblender 3,419]

hahahhah

 

gogo

this makes me laugh

 

 

[Delta! 1,020]

What is the difference between Roast Beef, and Pea Soup...?

 

Spoiler

Anyone can Roast Beef.