Wish I could trust

[emmabee11 2]

I dunno what to do with myself, feel like I'm doomed forever to be used and looked at as nothing but a sexual object by guys, I cant even trust them no more and I feel like why should I bother any more to try to get to know guys when they don't even make the effort for me? and only turn around and want to use me? soon as I say no they just don't talk to me any more, I'm tired of it and now it's come to the point I just cant even open myself up that much to a guy now because I'm that afraid of being used again. Guys my age it's jsut all about clubs and alcohol and I don't like it when 30 year old men cant stop staring at me ether... did any other women on here get this?. Now I'm just wondering if I should even be taken seriously at all if guys only see me this way, is it me?. I just cant even take a guy seriously even if he did care any more because I'm just so confused.

[czevak 57]

Hmmm this is quite a delicate issue, but I want at least to try to answer you.

 

Judgeing by your descriptions, I would not think it is you and it makes me quite sick to see womens self confidence crumble just because they have experienced all too much jerk. Being suckers for clubs, alcohol and fast, meaningless sex is true for about 70% of male youths here in germany too. That is sad, but it also means there are 30% of the quiet and nicer types around that might even be too shy to talk to women at all.

 

I don't know where your interests in your spare time lie and I certainly do not know where you found this nice assortment of quality idiots (ok at a certain age most men are those), but can you think of some places related to maybe a hobby or interest of yours that won't be an obvious nesting ground to them? It might be a good thing to have a closer look at some men found in those habitats.

 

In conclusion what I am hinting at is:

 

3/4 of a good foundation for a lasting relationship are common interests and activities to share and talk about.

 

Speaking as a male geek starting the 13th year of relationship, I can definitely confirm the unavoidable clichee to be mentioned in these circumstances: There are other types of male out there.

Edited February 10, 2011 by czevak

[podgie_bear 184]

I have to second what czevak says and advise you to hang on in there. There are an lot of good men out there, unfortunately they usually avoid there places you might think to look for them, because they can't stand the lolwuts who don't understand that their own wants are not the only thing that matters. Your comments are also true for men as well you know emmabee, a lot of women behave just as badly and in as immature a manner as those men.

 

When I first met my wife who is american, I was suspicious at first and pleasantly surprised to find what a nice 'normal' girl she was, as my previous experience with americans was that they all seemed to be loud, brash, overbearing and selfcentred. When I told her this later and asked why we never saw the 'nice americans' she said they avoided the places where the loud, brash, overbearing and selfcentred ones hung out since they couldn't stand them, either.

 

That is just as true for your hunt for 'nice' men today, as it was for americans back then. Just don't expect to find them in places haunted by the "Lads/Ladettes" culture. Because they wouldn't want to be there with those sort of people anyway.

 

However, this is not the best site for this sort of discussion and although I hope that you find what you are looking for, you would probably have better luck and advice from the people you already know and trust. Any advice you get here is coming from an unknown source, I could be a 12 year old girl or a 80 year old man, I might have no idea what I am talking about, you will never know for sure. So speak to people you know and trust for advice.

Edited February 10, 2011 by podgie_bear

[chattius 2,526]

Obviously im a not a girl and I can't answer from this point of view.

 

My oldest daughter is 15 and changed from a local school to a german dual school: highschool degree and fully trained medical computer sciences assistant if finished. She started school at the earliest possible age because in our small village there would have bee no kids her age the following year. When she was 10 we moved into another state with a different school programm and she had all the stuff already done in her old school, so we requested a jump in class and she was visiting a full day school (my wife just started as assistant med in a hospital and I had a job 100 kilometres away).

So currently the age of her classmates is 16-18 and she the youngest by over one and a half year. The second problem is that she is tall: 194cm and growing ,will stop around 198cm docs say. She was used to country life. So if a boy had bad manners everyone in village knew and so the boys normally learned to behave.

 

It was a shock for her how different it was at the new school in a 100000 people town. She often returned home, slamming the doors and refusing to talk. She used to say that some boys behave as if they would do a girl's collection and she would be the missing piece. If she was asked for a date and said yes the boys asking for the date refused to dance with her because she is so tall. And this while sitting at a place in the dancing hall that all the other boys in the boy gang could see them and laugh.

 

So she had a philosophy that the boys who are below her size and asking for a date only see her as a possible trophy and the boys taller as even bigger trophy hunters, because they are normally the local handball/basketball champs.

 

And it is hard to answer when she asks if all boys are such idiots. And it is hard to say no. My sister (as big as my daughter) reported the very same problems when we were teenagers. Later she found her husband when she studied in another state and walking with her dog. For 3 months she met a boy doing the same with his dog each evening after university and so they had something to talk about: dogs. Only after 3 month he was brave enough to ask for a date. She said even he is 'only' 186cm, he is a funny talker and counters all stupid questions about why he has such a big wife with humour.

 

And in 4, 8 and 12 year when my other daughters are 15 the same questions will arise again. And I couldn't even answer the simple question to name a single movie where an actress in a main role is above 195cm and has an happy end.

Attack_of_the_50_Ft._Woman and Monsters_Versus_Aliens taken away.

 

-----

 

Back to your questions: It is a shame but I wasn't any better when I was 18-26. I did 8 years at army and changed garnison 7 times in these 8 years. So if I looked for a girl I looked at a pub or similiar for a girl which just wanted to have fun too and I probably exspected all girls there to be there just for fun too.

 

When I finally left army and studied maths I was 8 years older than the other students. I was driving an ancient BMW GS bike which I bought while at army. One day I saw a 1950ties racing bike at the parking place. So I left a paper at the bike that I would be interested to talk about the bike and that I would drive the BMW next to it and would wait in the university cafeteria... I was very surprised to see a girl 2 hours later, who was puzzled that I didn't know her and it was not a trick to talk to her, ... It turned out that she was the daughter of an actor and already doing a smaller role in a soap opera, which I never watched because of army. She said she made a lot of bad experiences but she would be optimistic and give everyone a first chance. Buying or renting a BMW oldtimer bike to impress her -as she was thinking- would have at least been a new approach and she was curious. We were talking for 4 hours and then her brother called and she left. We had quickly noticed that she was too much town and party and I am more rustical and country. We had a lot of fun talking without other thoughts after we knew that we wouldn't fit. She is now the godparent of our twin daughter, and the mechanic of the racing bike the grandgrandfather.

 

So sharing a hobby seems to be a good start, be it dogs, bikes, sports...

[FrostElfGuard 9]

What I'm about to say does not apply to all men... but it is a general indication of what I've observed about the human courtship practices and stages of people's lives.

 

At ages under 12, usually life is all about the person (boy or girl) themselves.

At the teen years, the ability to think about others and the ability to treat others as you would have yourself treated begins. Also at that time, girls begin to have adult interests in getting a significant other. A little later, boys get hammered with hormones. And I mean HAMMERED.

 

In the teen years it is very hard for boys to deal with those they wish to have relations (sex, making out, relationships)... because the hormones keep getting in the way... also the inexperience hurts their chances too.

 

Once legal drinking age is reached, many young men hit the bars with as much cash as they can manage. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, and they make asses of themselves. Some, retreat into blind drinking to deal with their shyness.

 

With more age and experience, they tend to moderate their drinking, and their self-confidence increases.

 

 

--now given all that... it sounds like far too many men you meet are reacting hormonally to you. That is: You're the bomb. The blonde bombshell that takes everyone's attention. The one girl every guy in the bar wants to be with... So. You could try to dress less attractively... not saying don't be attractive, just tone it down.

 

As others have mentioned, try other places to meet men. When I went to Spanish night classes at university, I met some women who were actually looking for intelligent men. One redhead dated all the single men in the class, over time. So. Pick your hunting grounds differently as others have mentioned.

 

Try the gym. (Lots of men there. Some single.) Try dance clases. Try language classes, cooking classes. One of my friends from High School used the city Chess Club to find her first husband. (She wanted tall, slim, and smart in her future husband. So she chose the chess club to be a starting place. {and she was a wild party-er.} Oh. She also tried church.)

 

Good luck!

[locolagarto 15]

--now given all that... it sounds like far too many men you meet are reacting hormonally to you. That is: You're the bomb. The blonde bombshell that takes everyone's attention. The one girl every guy in the bar wants to be with... So. You could try to dress less attractively... not saying don't be attractive, just tone it down.

 

I agree with most everything that has been posted except for this. I am sure Frost didn't intend for it to sound as if it is your fault that these immature boys you are running into are acting so poorly.

 

All of us that have posted here, have made the assumption that you are young, (College age) because all of us have responded in a similar way.

 

Be yourself, act yourself, dress in any way you are comfortable with. Don't be self-conscious about being too pretty or not pretty enough. It is way too stressful for a young person trying to grow up in this world to be so caught up in trying to fit in with any particular group or stereo-type. Believe me, by the time you are in your 30s-40s. Being popular and fitting in with the crowd becomes far less important. The truth is that there is someone out there that will be the the exact type of person you are looking for, that will accept you and appreciate you for exactly who you are. If your not finding it at this time or in the places you visit now, a change of venue may be appropriate. Although a large number of those idiots your running into will grow up and act right. It will take some guys longer than others.

 

The truth is that many young men... and women, (by young I mean still in school or university) don't really know how to act in social situations. Which is why you see so many acting so poorly. Men in general mature a little slower than Ladies do. So it is no surprise when I see a younger women with an older man.

 

The fact that you are in touch with your own values, and recognize that you are receiving attention for reasons other than what your interested in, say a lot about your maturity. I am proud to know that there are younger people out there like yourself. I hope the right guy comes along for you and makes you happy.

[Furian67 15]

Very well worded bro. Been thinkin of a way to say the exact same thing!

[emmabee11 2]

Thanks everyone yeh when I lived in Scotland I went to clubs and pubs and it's true, most guys my age don't know how to treat a girl right really, I try to go for guys 3 - 5 years older than me to see if I can find a mature guy but I don't think guys start maturing until 28 - 30, that's what I've found anyway. I've always been more mature than most people my age, was the same in high school, I'm 20 years old so yep college age lol, I never really ever fit in with people my age, I've been hanging out with older people lately because to me people my age are a bore with all the drinking, drugs and whatever they take, just stumbling in the house a complete mess with sick all over them, urgh no thanks lol I love cider sure but I don't drink that much.

 

I go to the gym (well mostly swimming) and I have seen guys staring at me but again it's mostly much older guys (probably due to me being more mature for my age) it usually does come together with age though, I feel like I've skipped a whole generation of 20 year olds haha and then gone straight to an older female lol bit like 13 going on 30 where she wishes she was 30 lol. That blonde bombshell part made me laugh hehe well I'm not blonde anyway (even though I have my blonde moments lol) hmm... yeh too many guys react hormonally to me, probably because I workout lol it's fun sometimes but I cant look guys in the eyes at the moment because I'm afraid it's just gonna be a waste of time. Who knows maybe it will all workout with age.