When you see death up close

[Munera 1]

Well, I know I shouldn't bring sadness, but it's always good to share this things and hope that you can help me.

 

On Monday evening this week, I received a call, not happy news, one of our classmates had had a brutal accident that afternoon and she, a 16-year-old cheerful girl, had died. At first I thought it was a joke, but, unfortunately, it wasn't. She wasn't really a friend of mine, but come on, I got shocked and pretty sad anyway. Who wouldnt?

 

I woke up next morning, realising that that day was going to be a hard one. I came into the building, some teachers were talking about "it". As I was going upstairs I started to get nervous. I got to the third floor, where my classroom is, and guess what, everybody was in the corridor, with indescribable faces. Some people had just heard about Helen's tragedy... just distressing. Our teacher came with a smile in his face and invited us to go to our classroom. After a few seconds, someone dared to tell him about what happened the previous day. He only said one word: ''Jeez...''

 

The next hours, we were in our sits doing nothing but hearing how our friends cried. It was an eternity, and everybody suffered a lot. That evening (yesterday) the burial took place in Helen's village. It was painful to hear what we heard and see what we saw. Her friends kept on going to see the corpse, and the more they go, the more they cry. Things like ''Please tell me it's not true'' just devastate you.

 

Those who start to take it away and go on with their lives are constantly stopped by all this crying. Now I'm not only suffering because of that death, but also because of the pain of her friends. We've lost a friend, we've lost a great person, but we can't live in the past all our lifes.

 

I know that there are some people in the community who have already dealt with this problem before. What is the best way to get over it?

[Grindtime33 0]

To be honest TIME. Time is the only answer to heal wounds. I have lost close friends due to accidents. Its really devastating. I pray for my buddy all the time. Just have to give it time. If that girl was your friend you would be in the boat of her friends it is truely unbelievable. Kids and by kids I mean "13-21" think they are invincible and it takes a severe accident or learning experience to open their eyes. It has been over 2 years since my best friend has passed but I am still not over it. I don't think I ever will be. Just such a unique bond we all had together it just sucks to lose someone that your so close too. Anyways, I wish you the best of luck man. Time is the only savior to the hell we go through day in and day out. Keep your head up. Things get better. Just realize life is not a joke.

[Munera 1]

Hey Kyle, thank you very much for your reply. I don't know how do you feel when you lose your best friend, but I can tell you that I've seen it and it's so unpleasant... Maybe the life has hit us in order to wake us up. Let's hope we get rid of our suffering with the time, mate. Thx again

[Schot 407]

We do prefer happiness but all happiness all the time just wouldn't be realistic.

 

First I'd like to offer my condolences Munera. Of course I haven't any connection to Helen but I can relate to loss and grief so to that end I "feel" for everyone who has felt the loss of Helen.

 

Dealing with death is such a personal thing. There are a multitude of ways in which to grieve. Some in which there is no grief at all but rather confusion and sometimes even celebration but the loss of someone so young is considerably distressing, to say the least. I was in a similar situation when I was in grade 6. A student had died in my school in a most terrible way. He died from the impact of a rock to his head that was thrown by a friend. I did not know him well but he was well known. Death to me was a very alien concept at that time and so I simply followed what everyone else did and went to the funeral. It was a very large funeral at that. One thing I will always remember from that funeral is two fellows that just couldn't seem to stop laughing. I watched them for a long time because, from what little I knew of deaths and funerals, laughter was not common place. Later in life I learned some people deal with deaths and other types of stress with laughter. Not the kind where you make yourself watch a funny movie to get over sadness but rather as an immediate uncontrollable emotional reaction. Some people cry... Others laugh. There is a single commonly believed way to react to the loss of someone close and that is through crying but it certainly isn't the only way.

 

It's a tough experience to endure no matter how close we are to the lost one however. Sometimes it's a real "eye-opener" in that the death changes the way you perceive the world around you. The closest way I can describe that sensation is by explaining that on the day the New York Trade Towers went down the sky looked very different to me. The whole world looked different. Everything suddenly had a different meaning to me. My, and perhaps others who experience the death of someone, perceptions of "reality" change slightly on a conscious level.

 

I work at a Private Outdoor Tennis club where the average age is probably about 65 years of age. Beause it's outdoor it is a seasonal club and so for about 5 months of the year it is closed. Every year, (I mean really. Every single year.), when the season starts I eventually get around to the annual question of; "Ok. Who did we lose this year?". And I'm always surprised. This year we lost Hugh who, unbeknown to me, had been battling cancer. I can't say that I knew him well but he was certainly well known and much loved among the members. There was one thing I did remember him for and when I get the chance to convey my condolences I will tell his wife that I will always remember the night he walked into the clubhouse on hallows eve in his costume as some sort of Arabian Knight and played tennis. Significant because the clubhouse has strict policy on tennis wear on the courts. Granted he was clad in tans and whites so he was more or less good to go. Telling his wife of how I will remember him is my way of honouring his memory to her. I don't grieve like most others. With tears that is, so I make it a point to myself to remember something about those who pass on. For those who pass away that I did not know I usually inquire about who they were. I find it a respectable thing to do so I can relate on some level to the people most affected by the loss.

 

I don't think there is a "getting over it". What I mean by that is that I want to say that I don't think we ever move completely beyond a death. I think we just eventually accept the reality. For deaths that had the most impact on me I think I just talked a lot. Talking is great.

[locolagarto 15]

Very sorry to hear of the this tragedy, Hector.

 

It is difficult and as Kyle said time will help.

 

Everybody deals with lose differently. But all get better in time.

 

"Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross posited sequential stages of grief including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, which are commonly referred to as the "grief cycle."

 

So getting to acceptance is the key.

[chattius 2,526]

It is always hard.

And it is different from case to case.

 

My older sister suffered from a tumour in her head when she was just 23 and had 2 kids. She told me before she went to surgery to remember the funny moments if she wouldn't survive and tell them to her kids if they would be older. She was lucky and the new gamma knife technology saved her live.

 

A classmate and teammate of my oldest died on a disrupted arteria in his head being 12 while sneezing at home. The class was at the burial and they were whining a lot. 3 weeks later at soccer the team wasn't interested in playing at all. So we parents decided to drive to the grave and speak about him. We remembered all the fun and jokes he made- not laughing loud, but smiling. Everyone told a story of the dead boy he remembered which was funny. And we said to our kids that they should remember the funny moments whenever they remember him.

 

When our dog died we did something similiar for the kids: We build a small wooden boat and made a sail out of a picture of him. We put some candles on the boat and put it in a river when sun was falling. We were talking about the fun we had with him, how he got his name, Tarzan...

As a pub he bit in a towel and wasn't releasing even the towel was swung wildly

Or when my wife and me prepared for opera, best dresses, and my daughter returned from a walk with Tarzan, totally wet and dirty because he liked mud pits. He was running to my wife to greet her, with all his dirt and she kicked away her high heel shoes to run quickly to the door and close it. I was laughing and then Tarzan did a full turn at high speed to greet me, I was dirty all over, my best shirt and jacket,...

 

 

I think if she would have had the chance to say it, she would have said same as my sister, remember the fun.

 

So I think: spend a lesson at class to speak about her, remember the funny parts of her life...

[Bondbug 32]

Hi Munera. You don't need my advice - plenty of good advice in earlier posts. Losing things you care about is something you learn to live with. Don't brood about it. Keep busy. Not easy when you are surrounded with other people openly grieving. It will pass.

 

Fat lot of help that is!

[Munera 1]

Thank you very much for all your support, mates

 

I see what you mean, Brad. It's impossible to recover from someone's death because it changes you. You've made a friend and you've lost her. Nobody will fill her hollow at all. For me, it's an invitation to love people. You don't appreciate what you have until you miss it. Yesterday we paid homage to her, adding some notes and pictures, writing down the good things, but, why do we show our greatest love for others when they die? Why dont we pay daily a tribute to everybody we know? I feel so bad because we assume that we deserve everything we have, that our lives can't be otherwise. We should be thankful for everything we have; when those things go away is when we see how little we appreciated them before, and that's sad.

 

So I think: spend a lesson at class to speak about her, remember the funny parts of her life...

 

Yesterday, we spend a whole hour to say how did we feel like. It wasn't good. There was a sadness spread rather than consolation. Everybody is better now. You can see some smiles and laughs. However, Albert came this morning. He hasn't lost only Helen, but also Fran, and Andrew, another friend of his (Helen's boyfriend btw) is badly injuried in hospital. He's like a zombi. As, Kyle mentioned, these guys think they are invincible. It's even painful to look at Albert. Just hope that it won't take too much to have a good atmosphere in our classroom again.