Films That Shouldn't Be Made

[EvilSanta 0]

I was watching Speed 2: Cruise Control last night - at least, I watched the beginning. I've seen the last ten minutes of that movie about a gazillion times but never the opening. Having watch a good 10 minutes (and I don't mean "good"), I turned it off with enough of a view of the salient plot points to save me an hour and 10 minutes of pain watching the rest of the film.

 

You can tell from the title that it's not going to be a compelling documentary on the human condition - in fact, the title gives the game away: It's a film that didn't need to be made. And there are lots.

 

And during the hour I saved, I came up with four categories that sort of sum up if a film shouldn't be made or not. It should not be made if:

 

1. The film based upon a naturally occuring phenomenom. Examples:

>> Twister - in which we learned that you can survive the most powerful force of nature by using a belt. Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt hang your heads in shame

>> Titanic (contrary to popular belief this is a film about an iceberg) - in which we learned that poor people are happy people

>> 3 Weeks Next Tuesday (the day after tomorrow) - in which we learned that you can run faster than an approaching snow storm.

 

2. The lead role is an ex Wrestler, fighter, body builder or Kevin Costner Examples

>> The Rock, Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris, Dolph Lundgrum, Arnie Schwarzeneggar (ok, I'll let you have Terminator, but only because he doesn't act in it)

>> Any Kevin Costner film

 

3. The film is based on a computer game? Examples:

>> Oh, the list is endless. There are NO good films based on computer games. Not ONE. Ecks vs Sever (Lucy Liu and Antonio Banderas) Doom (also fails rule 2 above), Wing Commander (possibly the worst film ever made, after Showgirls), Resident Evil (actually, I like them, but they are still rubbish), Streetfighter (Kylie Minogue is hilarious, but not in a good way)

 

4. The lead role in the film is an animal. Examples:

>> Any of the shaggy dog films (including the remakes), Lassie, Black Beauty, that one with Kevin Bacon and the jack russel (skip something), the Fly, a return to oz (basically a film about a chicken)

 

**UPDATE**

 

5. The film is based on a Stephen King book not written under an alias. Examples:

>> Sometimes they come back.. and omg they did for an even more hideous sequel

>> Pet Cemetary.

 

6. Superhero Movies. Examples:

>> Spiderman, The Hulk, X-Men

 

7. The Film is a remake of something made less than 25 years ago. Examples:

>> Psycho, Godzilla, 12 Angry Men, that one with Denzl Washington and Meryl Streep

 

8. The film is a Threequel. Examples:

>> Any of the Police Academy franchise, Home Alone, oh god, there's some real dross in this category

 

Exclusions

The following are exempted from this list: Tim Burton, Ron Perlman, John Carpenter.

 

 

And you're wrong - there really are NO good films made from computer games. And very few good computer games based on films.

Edited January 24, 2008 by EvilSanta

[toret 0]

I mostly agree with you Evil, although I liked the first Resident Evil film. Haven't seen the last one yet, and I think the second was, as you say; Rubbish. The Seagal, Van Damme, Chuck, Dolph etc.. movies also suck for the most part. I kinda liked Out For Justice though, probably mostly because I like William Forsythe. But what's wrong with Lassie? I used to love watching Lassie when I was a kid. And that show about that dolphin. And Skippy the bush kangaroo. When I was a kid... And Cujo was a good film although the book was WAY better (I love Stephen Kings books).

 

Cheers

 

Edit: I wonder how the movie Diablo and the World of Warcraft film will turn out. One can always hope for something good to come out of these projects. But I have my doubts..

Edited January 23, 2008 by toret

[EvilSanta 0]

I mostly agree with you Evil, but what's wrong with Lassie? I used to love watching Lassie when I was a kid. And that show about that dolphin. And Skippy the bush kangaroo. When I was a kid... And Cujo was a good film although the book was WAY better (I love Stephen Kings books).

 

Mostly the shows you talk about were just that shows - good in 30 min doses but no longer. "That dolphin" was Flipper and was made into a terrible film staring Paul Hogan (him off of Crocodile Dundee) and just further proves my point.

 

Almost making the cut was number five:

 

5. The film is based upon a Stephen King book. Examples:

>> Sometimes They Come Back... omg they did too - for an even worse sequel.

>> And all the rest.

 

I'm a big fan of the Stephen King. But film adaptations of his books don't work. No, not even Christine. Not even The Shining.. oh, ok you can have that, but then that's got The Nicholson in it for petes sake. Oh and Misery. But that has Cathy Bates and the Caan. Do they work as films? Imagine The Shining without Nicholson, imagine Misery without Bates - was there in fact, any other actor on this green earth that could have played those roles? I don't think so. The actors work, the films don't. Just a view.

 

How will Diablo and WOW films work out? They will suck. Why? Because the break rule number 3. WoW The movie... "watch as Ben Affleck spends thirty minutes of the film skilling up his leather working" I think not

Edited January 23, 2008 by EvilSanta

[toret 0]

What did you think about The Green Mile and Apt Pupil? Those film adaptations were quite good I think. I also liked Needful Things. There are plenty of bad movies made from Kings novels though. The Running Man and The Langoliers, and Pet Cemetery for instance. I'm not very fond of the movie versions of The Shining and Christine either for that matter. I'm usually disappointed after watching movies adapted from books that I like. But not always. Some do work. For me anyways... Misery, The green mile, Apt pupil, The LOTR, The silence of the lambs.

 

How about?

 

6. Superhero movies. Examples:

>> Superman

>> Spiderman

>> Batman

>> The Hulk

[locutus 1]

I have some agrees and disagrees. Your 1,3,4th I agree with BUT the seagal, van damne, schwarz, etc....those need to be made. I can't tell you how many times I'll happily watch a cheesy action movie and love it-love it for what it is: a poorly acted movie with a ludicrous plot where gun battles and explosions happen far too frequently, and throw in a lilttle nudity too. I love Arnie-yes-not as an actor but as an action star. I just watched Total Recall the other day. If you dont love Arnie punching Sharon Stone, shoving a giant prod up his nose, delivering his classic one-liners (like screw you when drilling into someone) and encountering the 3-breasted woman(may she rest in peace) then youve got serious problems.

 

Stephen King? He's got lots of great ones...mixed in with some crap. It? The Stand? I love Pet Cemetary, Cujo, Christine, the Shining, Misery, Green Mile...and Shawshank Redemption c'mon people.

 

Oh and Maximum Overdrive? Kid gets run over by steamroller, guy gets killed by arcade game, guy gets killed by pop shooting out of a vending machine, and Emilio Estevez....cinematic gold people, go rent it NOW!

 

Super hero movies? CRAPPPPPPPPPPP! Yes I understand you cant put decades of comics into one movie but these movies shoot the storyline and characters to shreds

 

I've said it before and ill say it again Superman was the worst movie ever made. Why did superman and lois look like a high school couple? Where to begin...ah yes...Superman turns out to be a deadbeat dad who had the child out of wedlock who he (as we see at the end) refuses to acknowledge other than to kiss him goodnight. Also Lois apparently belongs on Jerry Springer because she was sleeping with two men in so close a timeframe that the boob of a husband shes got doesnt know the kids not his. Very nice! Hey buddy Lois was sleeping around, and that kid you love that you think is yers? Nope! GREAT ROLE MODELS! Let's not forget the movie completely did away with the fact that hes vulnerable to kryptonite. He was stabbed with kryptonite and falls of a cliff and lives....OHHHH OK! Well, lets have him lift up an island that is made of kryptonite and carry it into space and lets not forget he still has a kryptonite shard stuck in him...still, Then he'll fall to earth and not burn up in the atmosphere or die from impact of hitting earth from outer space.

 

EDIT: I had a free ticket to see this movie back when it was in theatres and I almost felt like demanding that they give me some form of recompense after watching that filth.

 

PHEW I needed that!

Edited January 23, 2008 by locutus

[Seductive_Vampie 0]

I wasnt fond of Superman or Hulk, but I lovedddddddddd Spiderman and some of the Batmans.

[FrostElfGuard 9]

Hmm.. Disagree with you or come up new categories you've missed.

 

1. The film based upon a naturally occuring phenomenom. Examples:

>> Twister - in which we learned that you can survive the most powerful force of nature by using a belt. Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt hang your heads in shame

>> Titanic (contrary to popular belief this is a film about an iceberg) - in which we learned that poor people are happy people

>> 3 Weeks Next Tuesday (the day after tomorrow) - in which we learned that you can run faster than an approaching snow storm.

 

2. The lead role is an ex Wrestler, fighter or body builder? Examples

>> The Rock, Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris, Dolph Lundgrum, Arnie Schwarzeneggar (ok, I'll let you have Terminator, but only because he doesn't act in it)

 

3. The film is based on a computer game? Examples:

>> Oh, the list is endless. There are NO good films based on computer games. Not ONE. Ecks vs Sever (Lucy Liu and Antonio Banderas) Doom (also fails rule 2 above), Wing Commander (possibly the worst film ever made, after Showgirls), Resident Evil (actually, I like them, but they are still rubbish), Streetfighter (Kylie Minogue is hilarious, but not in a good way)

 

4. The lead role in the film is an animal. Examples:

>> Any of the shaggy dog films (including the remakes), Lassie, Black Beauty, that one with Kevin Bacon and the jack russel (skip something), the Fly, a return to oz (basically a film about a chicken)

 

Feel free to disagree or come up with categories that I missed.

 

Lets see.

 

1) Naturally occuring phenom.

 

Titanic? wasn't based on an iceberg. It was based on the liberation of woman from the upper class society's role for her. The movie was made to evoke tears and to do it over and over and over. It won't appeal to all, but it has WIDE appeal. Such wide appeal that it is (adjusted for inflation) one of the top 3 money making movies of ALL TIME. Gone with the Wind and Star Wars were also in that group IIRC. The lead man Jack (played by Leonardo di Caprio or whatever his name is) did everything he could "right" in the movie--for the woman. It was a powerful performance from both of these actors (she and he)... and it resonated enough to get tons of young teenage girls to travel to the gravesite of the real man that is the basis of Jack's character in the film. Travel there and mourn what would've been an old man they would have had nothing to with had they met him on the street...

 

Me: I saw Titanic in Japan. I went with my brother. I wanted to see a movie in Japan. The theatres there sell more tickets than there are seats. So, we stood. For the whole movie. They also try to empty the theatre after the show...but we just went around and back in again. They were too polite to ask us to see our tickets. And we were guy jin. The second time we saw it we had seats. I had cried a lot in the first screening... but the 2nd had me crying for the panoramic scenes of the various high point places of the ship. They had me from the start. When I got home, I waited until I could buy a used copy from a video store. $15 CDN well spent.

 

Twister: sucked.

 

The Day After Tomorrow (with it's exciting weather and Jake Gylenhaal): aside from these two things, the movie sucked. However, I enjoyed it for these 2 things. I'll never see it again, but hey, a couple of good hours spent.

 

 

2) Ex wrestler/fighter lead.

 

These films have action appeal. They're not about good plot, good writing, continuity or believeability. They're about raw action. They're about surprise. They're about thrills.

As such, I've really enjoyed a lot of these. Again, most don't have repeatability. For instance, I tried re-watching Indiana Jones (the first one whatever it's called) , but it just isn't as good when you know where it is going.

 

That being said: Rowdy Ronnie Piper in "They Live" (I think that is the title)... a movie about aliens on earth that are controlling the general population of humans... That movie is one I'd happily watch again. It was on TV, so I guess it was a "made for tv movie", but I liked it. A lot. Haven't seen it again... but, hey, I enjoyed it.

 

 

 

3) Films based on computer games, or mainly containing a computer.

 

Yup. They suck. (In the biting kind of way.) All of 'em.

 

4) Animal is lead character: hmmm. Most suck. But some bite! Jaws scared the bejesus out of me! That one had suspense, interesting characters, believable people's reactions to events, and a shark that never stopped being hungry! Compare to Megaladon: Shark Attack 3: where the only good thing in the movie is John Barrowman. Or the one with the intelligent sharks, (Deep Blue?) Crap.

 

Jurassic Park was good too. Lots of 'saurs. Surprise. Realistic people's responses to unbelievable events... Hmmm. I'm on a roll here. Loved the first and 2nd movies. 3rd one sucked.

 

What about the Roger Rabbit movie? I seem to recall being irritated by this movie, but many others liking it a lot.

 

 

Lassie. Sounds liike kids crap to me.

 

 

Now, let's talk animated films:

 

As I recall, just about the only good ones are: Aladdin. And any of the Sindbad ones (the ones with live actors, not animation only.) The 7th Voyage of Sinbad (with Dr. Who's Tom Baker as the EVIL sorceror Sakura!), Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger...

 

 

 

 

One thing my friends and I did once was to watch a really horrible movie on video in the living room and dis it while it played. (Normally in Canada, you watch the film in a darkened room and quietly "enjoy it".) Not possible to "enjoy" the Werewolf film I picked up in Orlando on video for $5---because of cool hologram on the case! Never buy a movie based on a hologram. It should be a rule somewhere.

[Totalimmortal 0]

not gonna lie, I personally believe desert heat shoulda been made. same thing with belly of the beast. segal and van damme are awesome... I'm just glad I didnt see any hatred towards the almighty god we all know in human form as bruce willis.

 

carry on good fellows and fellowesses

 

-Total

[gial 2]

As for Stephen King - Shawshank Redemption was fabulous. But his scary stuff is just plain awful. Apt Pupil was a gfreat story but I never saw the film, so I can't judge.

 

Another two categories:

 

A. The Sequel. Or the "prequel". One is enough. No more Indiana Jones, please. No more Star Trek. No more Star Wars.

 

B. The remake. Invariably they obtain "star power" to hide the fact that the new version is weaker than the original.

 

Oh, and one more too -- The Robin Williams Movie. He's just plain awful.

[toret 0]

Shawshank Redemption was fabulous.

 

Hmm, I haven't seen it yet. Haven't read the book either. A lot of people saying it's great so I guess I must go buy it.

 

Cheers

[locutus 1]

Ohhh toret good call with the remakes!

For instance the remakes of:

Psycho? Bleh

Godzilla? Bleh

12 Angry Men? Bleh

Poseidon Adventure? Big Bleh

Willy Wonka? I'll take Gene Wilder thank you.

Brian's Song? You actually tried to redo something that starred Billy Dee and James Caan? Foreshame

The Shining? Yeah sure the other brother from Wings was way better then Nicholson...NOT!

 

 

I'll only give you:

The Thing-sorry I just love anything Kurt Russell does

Cape Fear-great w/Nick Nolte and Bobby De Niro

Texas Chainsaw Massacre-original was just too much of one girl whining

Dawn of the Dead-Romero had his hand in it and the zombies rocked

[Scleameth 19]

Well I agree to some extent that movies based on pc games is not brilliant, but some could have been worse.... I thought that the 1st 2 Resident Evil movies were OK-ish. But I think that Silent Hill was a really good movie, but that's just me... of course a super mario movie would just not be a good thing at all....

 

But I like all the movies based on superheroes - I guess you have to be some sort of fan to enjoy, but I guess the trick is not to look at superhero movies with too much expectations, that way the let downs won't be so great Like the fantastic 4 movies - I thought both were good and have watched them several times, where other people just look at me strange if I tell 'em that !

 

my opinion : Ban the chick-flicks and bring the action !! :trans:

[EvilSanta 0]

Wow... some opinions. Neat.

 

To recap:

 

Superhero movies.

I'm sort of there with this one. For me the problem comes down to angst- Too many good supe's films are ruined by the "oh boo-hoo I have these super powers and no-one understands how tough it is." Get over yourself, seriously. That's why I like the F4 movies - everyone seems to be having a great time. And while we're on the subject - Hellboy. Now I'd claim that it's not a superhero story in the truest sense and therefore is exempted.

 

Natural doodads

Titanic is a story about a boat and an iceberg, with 2 hours of James Cameron showing how clever he is and Leonardo sinking to a freezing death. The last point might redeem it a bit. But not much. It's still in.

 

Animal Films

Jaws is a story about three men: Dreyfus, Shaw and whatshisface. The shark is incidental.

 

Remakes

In.

 

Cast and Crew

I'm adding Kevin Costner

 

Stephen King

Anything made on a book written by Stephen King where he used his real name. That excludes Green Mile and Shawshank

Edited January 24, 2008 by EvilSanta

[enci 0]

Yes, definitely remakes. Especially remakes of foreign movies (foreign as in not American)

 

Remaking any Japanese horrors is a big NO

The Departed:) and giving it an Oscar, why, why

And right now they’re remaking the Spanish horror, the [REC] Come on people, it’s not even a year old

[Scleameth 19]

Wow... some opinions. Neat.

 

To recap:

 

Superhero movies.

I'm sort of there with this one. For me the problem comes down to angst- Too many good supe's films are ruined by the "oh boo-hoo I have these super powers and no-one understands how tough it is." Get over yourself, seriously.

If I have anything against Spiderman 3 it's this exactly - just pleeeaase stop cryin' and go kick some butt !

 

Remakes

In.

I thought they'd do it right with King Kong... but ohhh no, just every single situation had to be a crysis (I think the only scenes in that movie without a crysis is when the credits start rolling) - and all those giant stuff just got too much at one point ! I think they had missed the giant tick, with it's giant jaws and the giant itch afterwards...

 

Cast and Crew

I'm adding Kevin Costner

check !

[FrostElfGuard 9]

Remakes. Hmmm. I'm pretty sure there was one good out there. But in general... yup. Remakes are worse.

 

Stephen King's: Salem's Lot (the original) really had me terrified. Course I was like 12 or something when it came on TV. (And yeah, I got the remake and it is baaaadd.)