Random rant about friends vs girlfriend

[Timotheus 416]

Got to let out some steam... Here's the story.

 

My GF and I are kinda cuddly, especially when alcohol is involved. Two of my mates apparently can't stand us being cuddly, and decided to take it out on my GF when I had to take a trip to the bathroom at one of my mates' birthday last week. I got angry when I found out, and told them what I thought of it yesterday when I saw them. They didn't really see it coming and one of them didn't know how fast he had to explain that he had absolutely NOTHING (*cough*) to do with that. He didn't say he didn't mind us being close together, so I knew enough.

 

When we went out yesterday, my GF didn't tag along with us as usual, I couldn't blame her, and we had decided to be less cuddly now. But she then tried to "ignore" me because she didn't want to make things more difficult. That got to me. When the two of us took off to somewhere a bit more quiet to be together like we usually would, it got to us: why did we let it come so far we had to go away to enjoy each other's company? We went back. Then it went wrong. I walked up to one of the two who didn't like us being cuddly and said: "here, is this better?" He only heard half of it I guess, but had noticed I went away for a while with my GF, so being "funny" he asked me whether I got a good BJ. I was stunned for maybe half a sec but then nearly punched him in the face. Nearly, because I could restrain myself, but took off after yelling at him and waving the finger in his face. (I knew I would've been kicked out the bar if I did start a fight btw.)

 

He was shocked, apparently, (they used to make some comments like that sometimes before, but then I knew and felt like they were jokes) and came after me outside the bar we were in. We had an argument there, making some bouncers displaying interest in us. I told him that I knew what happened at his birthday, and that I was amazed my GF even stayed at that place because I would've said "F you I'm outta here!" and that I thought it was unfair at the very least to only take it out only on her, especially when I wasn't even there (I didn't hear a thing from it because they stopped when I got back from the bathroom at the time). He said he and Tammy, my girlfriend, had talked about it and it was OK, bla bla bla. The comment was just a joke bla bla bla. I told him I didn't take it that way, especially after what had been going on lately.

Eventually, we went back inside. The groups departed shortly after and it went.. OK-ish.

 

Later on the groups got together again, and me and another mate of mine (a real good guy) went to get a bite to eat. Tammy went with us. She ended up crying about the thing, scared that she was breaking up my friendship with those guys and hating the fact that she couldn't do what she'd like without them being irritated about it. I went outside with her and we talked for a while, and she got to feel better again. We went back, and I didn't talk to those guys anymore. I told the one guy from above that I wouldn't be driving home with them in the car, because I had had it with those guys for this evening. I would drive to my girlfriend's house with her on her bicycle, and walk home from there. I didn't even care I only had a tshirt on.

 

Question: is it really that annoying to see two people cuddle and kiss? Do you think they've got a point or have they crossed the line?

And I'm spending my vacation with those guys..

[promatolya 5]

for me it depends on the situation. If you are in a bar for example getting some drinks... I don't mind it at all.

but at a birthday party (I emphasise, that I don't know the exact situtation, so I don't know) when I think people are sitting in the living room or whatever getting some beers and talking to eachother (which gets louder by the pint )

If 2 people are left out then, because they have attention for themselves only, I tend to find a negative influence for the social part of the party. But then again ... It really depends on how much people, what the evening is like and such.

if there is 50 people crammed in a room and 2 are being cuddly ... who the F cares.

is there is 5 people and 2 are cuddly ... you pretty much prevent the rest from talking to you.

 

I hope you get what I am trying to say. Being cuddly is nothing to be ashamed of in my eyes... just know when/where to do it

 

prOm

[Timotheus 416]

Yup I get your point pr0m

but at parties (like birthdays) we aren't that cuddly.

At the one last week, we never even sat next to each other. It's all about when we are in bars etc.

 

The guy making the BJ comment doesn't even has a right to say stuff about us, I heard.

His ex-GF, who was with Tammy's group last night, told he was so mushy she got uneasy from it.

[Arilaftia 0]

aahh... Sounds like they are just jealous cause they aren't getting any.. Girlfriend's of their own that is! Or ,maybe they felt it was a "Manly" time to be together. I'm not really sure, but it is always pretty rotten to go after the girl, versus just mention it to you. Way back when my hubby and I were dating, he rented a house with 3 other guys, so they had to deal with me being there 24-7 muahahahah Anyway.. tensions would always flair when any of them were single. It always came down to them wanted a girl to cuddle too.. God that house would get crowded now that I think back on it.

So anyway I would say you two are fine, it sounds like you two keep yourselves under control. Its always hard to find a balance between everyone and every situation.

[Timotheus 416]

Thanks Ari for the kind words you're the best!

[gial 2]

Depends upon how "cuddly" is cuddly.

 

Holding hands, hugs, some occasional smooch. No big deal, but so involved to be oblivious to the surroundings is not real polite. I guess I'd say if what you were doing you would also do in front of your mother, then it should have been OK. If not, maybe rethink it a little.

[Timotheus 416]

Well what you describe is how we usually act when we are with friends.

When we are out in clubs and bars, there will be hugging, dancing, and maybe a french kiss or two, when it's getting later and later on in the evening. But I don't do the things I do in clubs and bars around my mother anyway. Don't think she'd appreciate the alcohol intake that is mine at those places. When I'm not driving, that is...

 

Like I said, it only gets to french kisses and more and longer hugs when we are drinking.

But IMO, that does not separate us from the rest of the crowd at those nights.

[Ike 1]

OK, my thoughts. I tend to agree with Ari. I think it important to note that people often give reasons other than the actual reason for something. Either intentionally, or subconsciously. I suspect that there is more to their feelings than "not liking to see people cuddling." It may be jealousy at you having a girl, or more likely that a girl is invading their relationship with you. This can be difficult when you and your gf are all friends with your friends or you all hang out a lot. It may be easier on everyone if you split your time, part with friends, part with gf, part with both. It is also bad to assume you understand what the others think or why they did/said what they did/said.

 

I would tend to discourage people from losing friends over a gf, or vice-versa. Sometimes you just have to try to talk it out rationally. Explain that you took offense at their comments and actions and why. Perhaps it was an overreaction on your part, perhaps tactless on their part, it makes little difference. Try to explain your feelings and reactions and invite them to do the same in order to determine what the real issue is. It is possible that the real issue is something you can't fix and you have to make a crappy choice, but at least you'll be able to make an informed choice. Nothing worse than making a choice based on an incorrect reading of the problem and losing something you didn't need to.

 

As to the other specific questions, I think it poor manners to go after your gf if they are your friends. If they can't bring it up to you, they should keep their mouths shut. Excessive cuddling can be a bit cloying imo. All a matter of taste and opinion though.

[Funkilicious 1]

Well said Ari and Ike

 

It is a hard transition that we all have to make at some point in our lives on one hand you have the friends that have been with you through the good and the bad times and then you have the g/f or b/f that may end up being your life partner.

 

Finding that balance is like finding Utopia.

 

As with all relationships, communication is essential, find out really what your friends are finding annoying. Saying that it is the cuddling, I think is just a front unless you are doing it and making them feel uncomfortable, sometimes there is a time and place for everything. Like Ike said if you cant do it in front of your parents, then you cant do it in public.

 

You may end up having to make a very difficult decision but it is only you who will know which one is the most important to you, Timotheus.

[Timotheus 416]

First of all I'd like to thank all you guys for the support! You guys are amazing.

 

Well I had a good chat with one of them via msn today, sent a copy of the whole conversation to the other guy so I didn't have to repeat my views on how things went.. Had a feeling that the things he'd say wouldn't have been that different so I figured I'd save myself the time of having to do the whole thing over again.. and hearing the same thing. (Turns out I was right about that, by the way.)

I'll call them somewhere this week to really talk things out, there still are a few things that aren't settled. My payback is one of those things.

 

An another thing is, one of them asked me a question a while back. THE number one worst question. Out of the blue.

"If you had to choose between your friends and your girlfriend, who'd you pick?"

I thought about it while talking around it a bit and I said: if someone really made me choose, I'd find it very hard, and I'm sorry but I'd choose my girlfriend.

 

Apparently, the guy I had the chat with today, Tom, took that at heart and was really struck by it. ( I heard this from my GF, because I told the guy to go over to her and explain things to her as well. She'd call me after the conversation was over, and then she told me.) I want to tell them that 1. it's the worst question to ask, and 2. that which answer I would've chosen, it would have been the bad one. Had I said the other thing, it would've been leaked to my GF (future partner?) and I would've lost her. (Worst case scenario-wise.) And what happened now is a normal effect. They need to know that I'm still their friend and that asking that question is ridiculous and plain ASKING for trouble. And that Tom shouldn't feel so bad about it, he needs to sympathize a bit more. He sucks at trying to take other peoples' views at things, and thinking over these things a bit more. I mean, I doubt whether it even popped up to his mind what answer he would've given himself in that situation.

 

Also, I told Tom in our conversation that I'd actually liked to punch Peter because of the comment he gave when Tammy and I got back. I told him that it really struck me very hard, and that I really felt Peter had crossed a line not to be crossed, especially with the thing from his birthday still fresh in my memory. Tammy told me that in her conversation with him, he noted he thought I was getting more aggressive lately, keeping things to myself and holding things in.

Thing is, when I was younger, I did have some anger related problems. One time I went more or less in an angered frenzy at high school, after thinking some people broke my discman. At that time, I scared a few from my class. But I bet no one got more scared from that, than I did. I got afraid of myself that day, and actually cried the whole afternoon that day at home.

Anyway, he still remembered that incident, I guess, and thinks it's happening again now. The thing is, it isn't. True, this time, I did get myself worked up, and the comment just hit me below the belt. But I didn't went berserk or anything, I could still think reasonably rationally, but the drinks I had did make my response a bit more severe than it would've been without. I didn't know whether the urge would've been the same when sober. So I need to explain a few things and he really needs to enlighten me about how he thinks I've changed.

Also, he thinks I'm kind of neglecting our friendship. What the guy fails to see however, is that I've had two months of severe brain crushing studying before the vacation. Fair enough, I hardly saw my friends because of that. What he conveniently forgets, is that I also did not see my girlfriend. Now, between those two months and our vacation to Italy (just the four of us guys, no gals), I've spent a lot of time with my girlfriend. My other friends seem to take that OK, knowing we'll be spending two weeks together starting this Friday. For Tom, as I see it now, this isn't enough. Or plainly not getting through.

 

And I could tell you a few more things like these, so we'll have to work a bit this week.

Ugh why do things have to be complicated this way..

Edited July 23, 2007 by Timotheus

[Ike 1]

Well, if everything was easy you'd never learn anything or grow.

 

It seems that you are in one of those difficult stages as you move from guy friends toward committed relationships. It is tough because your friends are used to 'owning' 100% of your free time and now that is changing. If they are all lucky, it will happen to them as well. Then you can all hang out as couples . . . funny that it doesn't usually work out that cleanly though. I got married relatively late (40) and most of my friends were married before I was. It became increasingly difficult to find people with whom to do stuff. C'est le vie.

[promatolya 5]

I got asked that same question once. If you have to choose between your friends or your girlfriend which would you pick.

my answer after at least half a minute of silence came out like this:

I would ditch the one asking this question in the first place, since no1 lets a TRUE friend/boyfriend make that choise

tought it was rather well placed.

 

but back to the topic. I think things will sort out if you and the other guys get togheter and talk it over, make sure that all things said are forgiven and forgotten. But it takes time and effort which both partys have to invest

 

prOm

[Timotheus 416]

Pr0m, that was exactly what I said after I gave my answer.

Someone who finds it necessary for you to make that choice doesn't really get the picture, in my book.

[dicknail 0]

This reminds me of a few years ago, when I ... tried to make my friend ditch a girlfriend. The worst part was that I was right and she hurt him very very badly, and that's why I know thrust your friends. They can see things from another angle.

 

The other part is that it will be forgotten soon. I remember my friend being piffed off and stuff, and me, being all jealous. But it didn't damage our friendship, and he's still my best friend. (And maybe the only one I can confess to).

 

My advise: don't take it that seriously. Things will calm down whatever you do: your real friends won't lose you over such stuff, and your future love won't escape because of your friends reaction.

 

Best,

-dn

[Guest FrostElfTwin]

Jumping in...weeks later... (perhaps some time for a different perspective?)

 

PDA (public displays of affection) --what's ok...what's not.

 

In a regular bar: For me, and this is just me, I think smooching at the bar is ok, wandering hands above the belt is ok. French kissing is over the line.

 

At the beach/movie/etc: Arm in arm, a quick kiss, holding hands, a solid (but not extremely long hug).

 

At a party: same as the beach.

 

I was at a birthday party and the hostesses got tipsy and kissed it each other a lot. It bugged me. But it was their place, not mine. Everyone else was not touching. No one said anything. I think we all didn't want to oppress them. You know, add to their burden (or their perceived burdon). I kept my mouth shut.

 

(Back to your bar situation: with the French kissing later in the evening, once tipsy)

Once things get to involving moisture (wet kisses), then, well, time to get a room.

 

Your friend's comment about the BJ was extremely RUDE.

 

To me, when people get drunk, they lose their inhibitions. They say and do things more about what they really feel. No filters for "polite society". Your friend really really doesn't like your involvement due to "losing a friend", jealousy, frustration, and/or some unknown factor(s).

 

I found when I got to college/uni age that my path in life was going in different directions from a lot of the folks I was hanging out with. So we drifted. Perhaps you need to drift away from this group.

 

And: re the "Pick one: us or her" question: Such a question always damages the asker and the askee. It's control, pure and simple. While your gf might be the first of many...and your friends more constant...it could easily be the opposite. Questions like this say to me the asker hasn't grown as a person as much as, say, you have. He doesn't understand the effect of such questions.

 

You've done all your talking with him and her...and things are more or less resolved... but I wanted to put my 2 cents worth in here too.

 

There's been a lot of good discussion here, a lot of valid points. Kudos people.

[Seductive_Vampie 0]

All I have to say is a little thing EM told me before we were together when we were just friends and I was married to another. Your true friends will never put you in that sort of predicament and neither would a true love as from what I read she didn't try to and was greatly distressed about it all. I would just breath on it. Life is always throwing things at us we don't exactly understand but in the end the right answer is infront of our faces thought it might also be the hardest one.